Who decides what is true?

a judge?


the 'public'?

"friends"?

Who decides what is true?

What the "real" version of the story is?

I hope I can plead my case before you decide for me.

I hate anyone who decides against me.

FUCK ALL OF YOU.

How you stand shoulder to shoulder and defend what you'd kill someone for doing to your children?

How do you quote Bible verses and go to sleep at night next to him?

How is the system set up against those of us who want to fight this gross injustice?

How am I alone in fighting this?

wild child

oh dear lord it's almost over. school is almost done. i thought it would never come! this has been the hardest semester to date! and that is saying something!

..i'm so ready for summer. real summer. no school, just work and fun summer.

..i'm ready to leave. it's depressing i have at least two more years of school to be tethered to this place..

..struck by a strange thought tonight... i may actually enjoy mornings now that i'm required to be already working once the sun pokes its way up. i enjoyed *gasp* 6am today. then again i was back asleep by 6:40.


i just want to craft, to make pretty things, to get my camera fixed, to be excellent at my new job. no confrontations. no sadness. it's looming, waiting for me though. such is life i guess.

((i secretly just wish i could stay at home and read/cook/craft as i pleased. i do not want to be a stay at home southern mom. i just don't want to "have" to do anything i don't feel like doing. i feel like there MUST be a way to accomplish this, and i just haven't found the magick solution yet...))


new reading material is much needed for this summer. suggestions? i love a good indulgent memoir... thought i should expand my horizons i'm sure...





i want a cat SO BAD.




can't i just live in a tent in the middle of a field? surrounded by my books? with access to food and never have to face people ever again? they are so taxing. even in training for my new job i find myself bitter at the expectation we are to take our breaks together. i need time to recharge damnit!

i want to be free. i want to live in a house in the trees and be a wild woman who doesn't for a moment stop to think "maybe i can't do that..." fuck you world. i can.

Ransacked

What would you do, if you saw your life crumbling, shattering, being totally and completely, irreversibly ruined?

What if you saw it before others did?

What if you saw it before you had to confront those who did the abandoning, the violating, the fucking horrible dismantling of your life?


Well, I've tired to figure it out. To find a way everything can still be ok. But I know... deep down... it can't. I'm not 16 anymore. I'm dramatic,but not like I used to be. I know the difference between a bump and a MAJOR FUCKING LIFE CHANGE. I have NOT had the confrontation conversation yet, but my fucking GOD i'm so angry i can't see straight or go 2 hours with out crying my fucking eyes out. then it turns to rage, the likes of which i have not known since I was 16.


HOW DARE YOU?!?!? i keep asking myself.

don't be mistaken, i will soar again. she will too; she already is you fucking loosers. you just won't get to watch it, because of the idiot choices you made again and again and again.

we will rise, with scars, we will rise.

Everything Counts

How much hubris can one be capable of?

A shit ton, if you'll excuse a lady's language.

We go from thinking the whole universe revolves around us and making decisions accordingly, to being punched in the gut when we find out too late we are but a speck and the universe is much much bigger than us.

The terrifying thing, is when we really do create a new orbit, either adding or subtracting people we care/d about by our stupid, thoughtless actions. Orbits don't typically dramatically shift on their own, and it is the most painful when they are forced to shift.

What we do, the decisions we make, they matter people, they matter. From being responsible about how much we waste, to taking charge of our paths, to treating everyone we care about with kindness, hell, everyone with kindness, but especially those we say we love.

I may not be a Bible thumper anymore, but I do believe that love puts the other persons interests not just on par with yours, but above it, in the most healthy way possible.

I'm grateful for some of the absolute hell I've been through over the past few months. It's taught me that my biter, sarcastic comments are always better left unsaid, and I don't deserve a pat on the back for having what I think of as a 'really witty biting come back' and just not saying it, but telling it to someone else later. Nope. Just don't say it.

My sweet adopted parents have taught me so much through example about treating everyone they come into contact with with the utmost dignity and grace. I should have known from ballet that grace is 100 times harder than it ever looks and is rarely if ever appreciated. But the point is for it not to be noticed.

Dear god it's hard not to be noticed.

Wishes

If only our eyes were cameras and could produce still shots from our memories...

If only we could love consistently...

If only this planet were full of honest people (not people like me)...

If only we could be sure of something, anything which held a promise of being hopeful and positive instead of simply death and taxes.

If only I could be a philosopher and artist and home maker wife and mommy and woman of mystery and activist...
If only friendships could last...

Then I wouldn't have to fight so hard to make these things come true. I wish for an easy path, and there is not one, but I am better for it.

Contentment

The human heart is so fickle. We love, we hate, we have bosom buddies, "acquaintances" we call friends to the face but who we toss aside in anything other than a life and death instance. Or to save face at a party we'll pay them some empty lip service.

I wish I could befriend so many people. I don't have enough time to be with my family or partner in life, much less time to make and deepen friendships. It very much saddens my soul to know I'm missing out on deeper relationships with people. School, work, homework, housework... How boring. How utterly boring. Those who see the beauty in the everyday boring tasks are a very special breed of human.

When I see an everyday beauty, it tends to be something not of human origin. A bright blue bird on a snowy branch, a sweet almost-hidden nook with a bench surrounded by cherry blossom trees in full bloom... If I could choose a superpower, it would be to find satisfaction in a day full of school, work, homework and dishes in my way-too-small-sink.